Irrationality

For some strange reason I'm compelled to be completely irrational, I'm not sure what it is but it makes me feel stupid when I'm truthful about it, the problem is really when people know if your lying or not. I can lie brilliantly to most people when I know I'm feeling irrational or bitchy. I lie to them, something happens, the mood changes, it's over. The ones that know the truth though make it harder, they want to know why you feel like that. They rationality for the irrational, the moment sticks, both sides are upset, resulting in more irrationality, regret, annoyance, the knowledge that I have been irrational, unfair, illogical. It hurts, throbbing in my head. I'm annoyed at myself, I don't want to admit my irrationality, they don't want to get lied to. I want to apologize, because I've been an ass. They don't want to hear it and just want me to knock it the fuck off. I am embarrassed by my humanity. I feel like I've lost control of myself, I haven't taken my medication today, I forgot the other day too. I wonder, is that why I'm so upset, is that why I'm so tired and hungry? It could be, that is what happens when my dosage is to low. I hate the uncertainty of it, there is no limited time guarantee. It could be that but either way I need to take control of myself, act the way I would want to act. Be the person that I would want to be. That is important to me. I want to succeed fabulously at everything I set out to do. One of the things I've set out to do is to be a not-bitch.

I fail regularly.