The Horn

I was thinking the other day on my way to work. what if they didn't invent the horn for your car, how would you make noise at people then, I imagine a person leaving out there window with some chimes *Tinkle* plink*,, or maybe a xylophone, either that or we would all have large gongs mounted above the side mirrors you just reach over with your hammer and GONG!

clearly the horn is the most boring alternative, tsk, soon I will have my very own toy piano/harmonica/whistle installed in my car.

I could create a revolution, or better yet, we could all download short some snippets to replace the normal horn noise. So I could play the first 3 seconds of Linkin Park, The Verve, or other popular music, Maybe you could cycle through when you first get in the car.

Leah's Institute of BAD(bad atrocious & detrimental) Ideas

Futuristic

I find myself constantly obsessing about the future, getting a better job, going back to school, taking tests, buying houses, new cars, working hard, and celebrating. I can't help it looms in front of my a great specter of doom. Every time I achieve a goal, I not satisfied with it, I work towards it with a scary single mindedness I accomplish it I am dissatisfied, I already created a new goal, I've already discovered a new path, I can't calm down and accept the place that I am, There is no now, there is only this weekend, tomorrow, next month, 5 years, why the hell can't I accept today. Why can't I rent movies, or play video games, well becuase I have created a list of things 1000's long that I feel I must take care of first, I just can't stop. Are you happy? My reply is always with what? There are many things I am happy with, I'm proud of, but always conditional modifiers. I just feel trapped if I'm in a situation I can't improve, and I work relentlessly towards improving it. Why can't I just be satisfied, do things that are fun because I like doing them instead of doing them to cope with eliminating more things on my list, feeling guilty at the end of the day becuase all I did was work 8 hours, go grocery shopping make dinner, think about law school, read 200 pages in a novel, and go to sleep. Why can't I be satisfied, What's wrong with doing that?

Showers...

Alright, lets assume you took a shower today, in fact, lets assume you take a shower everyday, did you know you are wracking up showers like no other.. three hundred sixty five showers a year, 365 that's one thousand ninety five every three years. and in the next fifteen years you will take five thousand four hundred seventy five showers. lets assume you are on average 20-25 years, in the rest of your life you will take sixteen thousand four hundred twenty five showers*. (average lifespan of 65-70)

16000
400
25

showers.
1 down
16000
100
60
to go..
got to take into account you've already taken
265 this year.

you may end up with a couple extra showers at the end of the stated forty five years as I did not calculate with leap year feel free to use up these showers whenever the whim takes you. Also please keep in mind these showers do not expire and can be used anytime.

I am sleepy

I always figured, people in beds or on couches are like black holes. A person comes in to the room and sees you in a state of warm comfy-ness. You try to resist as long as possible, act energetic run around the house, but finally you flop down on a chair, and take of your shoes.
sigh

Are you sure you don't want to do anything?

MmmM?

Alright fine. So you Flop on the couch, twist around for a bit only to be devoured by a blanket, Soon your warm and comfortable and cuddled. Then you are the one saying "Mmm" Yaaaawn!

Beds are even worse, you lean over the bed to pick something from the headboard, the Blankets attack you, you attempt to fend them off. It's a hopeless cause, they have you, your sinking in, before you know it your chin deep in blankets struggling only sending you deeper, theres also a mysterious pillow under you head, how it got there, your not sure. in the process you lost your shirt, and your socks are somewhere down there but you sure in hell aren't going to try and get them, you have what seems to be an eight armed parasite clinging to you, wrapped around impossible to pry off, giving up hope you turn over cuddle up and wiggle into comfortability soon, you become one with the blanket, as it absorbs you like a venus fly trap. Ahhh unconsciousness.

publicly conditioned

we are all publicly conditioned one way or another, and by that I mean we are taught by the people around us to act or react in certain specific ways to certain specific actions or words. We constantly have to fight against the conditioning, those replies may not actually be what we believe or think, we suddenly find ourselves saying things that go entirely against what we believe. These things are right below the surface bubbling, waiting on a hair trigger. Some of them are age specific, gender specific, race, culture all of these things are used to split us into groups, create enemies of each other. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if we notice, sometimes nothing can be done. Respect surely we use this word to process most insults most of the time our feelings are hurt or we do something stupid this is the thing we stand up for beyond all else. We must feel respect. But for something we find a necessity in life, what exactly is it? define it. No don't go look it up, what does it actually mean. nail it down, can you? really? right at this very second. I don't know if I can, I would say respect for a person is adhering to their personal boundaries, even if they differ from your own. Respect is also listening and processing what someone says, allowing them to be important. Loss of respect directly relates to loss of importance with a person. That's the best I can do, what does the dictionary say?? dictionary.com says there are 16 different meanings for respect, I'll go with the ones that seem to be the closest to what I'm speaking about.

3.esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

5.the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.

11.to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

So basically what it comes to is us as people deriving personal satisfaction out of getting respect. We in general base our entire opinion on ourselves based on what others think, especially the people we are close to. To lose out on someones respect makes us unhappy, and unsatisfied with ourselves. There are many ways people use to cope with that. most commonly

1. Trying to force people to respect you, based on violence, yelling or threats.

2. Building up peoples respect for you through convincing people, others deserve less respect.

3. Striving to be the absolute best, engaging in competition for a position of respect, being the best at something to gain the respect you believe you need.

In advertising campaigns against booze, drugs and sex it's frequently used as a reason not to engage in such activities "I respect myself for much"

So we are all put on hair triggers trying to defend this thing that we aren't really even sure what is, or why it matters. Most argument instantly derail into semantic discusions of whether or not someone meant what they said said what they meant or you took it some other way intirely, most arguments are carried on through cliché phrases, and over dramatization when all arguments come down to one point, somebody got their feelings hurt. If you can get right down to this as the first point, most of the time when people get mad it's because someone did something that would hurt them in one way or another, most of the time not realizing th result, but instead of saying "you hurt my feelings by saying x" you say "fcuking Ashsole" becuase that's your conditioned response your not sure why your so upset but you think it has something to do with them disrespecting you in some way or another. so instead of thinking through your response or your feelings for the action or sentence that sets you off you freak out, irrationally, responding with a cliché, they are also programmed to respond like that, so they spout a cliché also not thinking through the actual problem, it then escalates, you both end up talking about how the other person never does anything for you and soon, you both stalk off. Later you realize what the real problem was if you actually think about it otherwise you steam in the injustice of it all, while the other person wonders what the hell set you off in the first place, and steams in the injustice of it all. Finally when you both calm the fcuk down you realize there really wasn't anything wrong in the first place and the whole thing was a huge miscommunication and move on. All of these steps could be avoided in the first place if people realized the conditioning and stopped to think about what they were saying and why.

Beware doing so may cause you to break out in bouts of rationality. Side-effects may include uncomfortable doses of reality, headaches (from all that thinking) and nausea (when you realize how fcuked up everyone is)

Love Leah.

Irrationality

For some strange reason I'm compelled to be completely irrational, I'm not sure what it is but it makes me feel stupid when I'm truthful about it, the problem is really when people know if your lying or not. I can lie brilliantly to most people when I know I'm feeling irrational or bitchy. I lie to them, something happens, the mood changes, it's over. The ones that know the truth though make it harder, they want to know why you feel like that. They rationality for the irrational, the moment sticks, both sides are upset, resulting in more irrationality, regret, annoyance, the knowledge that I have been irrational, unfair, illogical. It hurts, throbbing in my head. I'm annoyed at myself, I don't want to admit my irrationality, they don't want to get lied to. I want to apologize, because I've been an ass. They don't want to hear it and just want me to knock it the fuck off. I am embarrassed by my humanity. I feel like I've lost control of myself, I haven't taken my medication today, I forgot the other day too. I wonder, is that why I'm so upset, is that why I'm so tired and hungry? It could be, that is what happens when my dosage is to low. I hate the uncertainty of it, there is no limited time guarantee. It could be that but either way I need to take control of myself, act the way I would want to act. Be the person that I would want to be. That is important to me. I want to succeed fabulously at everything I set out to do. One of the things I've set out to do is to be a not-bitch.

I fail regularly.

lost something

I pause at a point somewhere I believe to be over the page, I let my pen drop leaving a blotch where the ink leaked out into the page obscuring the letters, it's ok I didn't really like what it said anyways, I scratch that part out, but don't start over, my eyes skim the letters, forming words, sentences, but it's like watching the dashes on the road, or trees when you drive by, they all start looking exactly the same. letter words and meanings they all express typical emotions. no-one can think of anything unique to say, and I guess neither can I, which is why the letters frustrate me so, I'll stick with ink blots from now on, they look like bats.

Bat-Leah

Consideration

Me 1, "I think I should get this one", 2 "I don't agree with you at all.. that clearly isn't the best choice you can find something better", 3 "Hey be nice how would you know, you haven't found anything that good", 2 "What if I right, who is 1 to say they know what's best for us" 4 "who are you to say what's not best for us", 5 "lets go kill something" 6. "all you guyz are dumb, you shouldn't be getting anything" 1 "we should get the one that I picked out already" 2 "you don't get to pick stuff out, it could be a total failure" 1 "I do good" 3. "maybe we should go home and think this through" 4, "no I agree with number one" 6 " you would" 5 "we could steal a car" 1 "seriously I'm think this one is best" 2 "fine fuck up the rest of your life, clearly not a good idea" 3 "you should do it, don't let yourself be bullied by number 2" 7 "well what about that one" 6 "I like that one better" 8 "fine whatever lets get it and go" 6 "you suck at making decisions" 1 "ya I know"

"will that be all"
1 "yes thank you"
"would you like a bag"
6 "no thank you"
7 "are you sure we don't want one"
8 "no we're fine shutup"
2 "the other one was better
1 "now you agree with me"

"have a nice day"

<-- booty of the day, hair scrunchies

the dentist

Always waking up with a mouthful of blood, spitting in the sink, aching body, been out at night without me again, leaving a train of red, with so many coats it shines, shimmers, glitters, blood mixed with spit pulling it down the street. I wash out the metal, but it still leaks into my mouth from my gums, I miss the flavor after covering it with minty paste, I can't hide myself much longer, it may be time to leave, letting myself slide down the drain. I spend the rest of the day, swallowing it, where does it all come from, this red liquid we call blood, it clots between my teeth, I pop a ticktack, hoping I don't breathe death on anyone, I'm tired no rest, I know I'll be up again with a mouthful of blood.

tar

it sticks to your shoes like melted asphalt, leaving a permanent spot of black on your soul. A spot that sticks, but doesn't spread like the blood on your shoe, across your hands, vindication accomplished. vengeance, maybe you should have tried calling 911, but what about your soul, where would it be then, would it still have that inexorable blackness, hiding beneath that beautiful smile forever, nobody knows, but now you are someone that killed someone. Guilty would wonder if they know, you feel like they can see through you. But you don't feel bad at all, the feeling passes, you laugh expelling the tar, bits of darkness flaking off your shoes, leaving them on the street, laces stretched across the telephone wires, a warning to those who would come next, bloody shoes. you move off, jump the fence and are back at the beginning of the night, a day away. You can't escape the spots, they burn away leaving you with a love for stripes.

Moral of this story, vigilante stripes.

Leah